


In This Moment, You Are Everything

by transmasc_jamestkirk



Series: Anxious Danny [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxious Danny, Dissociation, Don't copy to another site, Getting Together, I guess? Yeah this is a getting together fic, M/M, They just love each other and I love them, They realize they love each other!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 13:52:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17868488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transmasc_jamestkirk/pseuds/transmasc_jamestkirk
Summary: Steve goes to Danny's for a night of relaxation, but instead finds Danny dissociated and upset in the shower, and does everything he can to help.Folks, I'm terrible at summaries I promise this is better than it sounds.





	In This Moment, You Are Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, this idea came from the feelings of a person with an anxiety disorder (me!). The beginning was taken directly from my journal, and who hasn't dissociated in the shower before? Anyways, I just love Steve and Danny, and I love how they love each other, just like how I love you for reading this! Please comment and let me know your thoughts, and let me know if you want more anxious Danny!

Sometimes the walls felt like they were crushing in on him. Like they were slowly creeping closer and closer, or like water was slowly rising up and around him. No sense of how to stop it. Other times it was like his brain was ripping itself apart, pulling in so many directions with urgency, but no clarity. Sometimes he just wanted to scream, to rip his hair out, to somehow make sense of everything. To make everything slow down for a minute.

Why was he thinking such terrible, violent things? Why did he so desperately want to be somewhere, something, someone else?

He didn’t dare speak the terrible images in his head; that would make them too real. Why did he so desperately wish someone would save him? And what would they save him from? Why was everything just _too much_? Too loud, too crushing. Why did he want to run until his lungs gave up? Why did he want to fight and scream until everything was tired and sore? Why? Why?

Why?

The thoughts wouldn’t leave his head. The violent terrifying ones. The ones where every tall building or bridge was a platform to jump from. Where nothing made sense. Where everything was too fast, too loud, _too everything_.  
\--

“Danny? Where are ya buddy?” Steve called as he entered Danny’s house.

No answer, but his car was in the driveway and his shoes were by the door, so he had to be home. Confusion and concern began to find their way into Steve’s mind.

“Danny?” Steve asked again as he made his way up the stairs. Reaching the top, he heard the shower running, and relief soaked through him.

Knocking on the bathroom door, Steve called out again, “Hey D, I’ve got some beer and Chinese waitin’ for us downstairs.”

No response.

Steve knocked a little harder.

“Hey man, I got beer and food downstairs.”

Still nothing. The concern was coming back.

“Danny, you’re freaking me out a little.”

Nothing but the sound of running water. Steve tried the doorknob, and found it locked.

“Seriously man, if you don’t say something I’m gonna bust in there.”

Okay, Steven Jack McGarrett was officially worried.

“Danny, you’ve got to the count of three before I bust this door open.”

Nothing.

“Okay, here it goes. One… two… three!” On three, Steve shouldered the door in and was met with… more silence. No pissed off Jersey cop yelling at him for invading his privacy like a Neanderthal, no anything beyond the sound of the water, which was officially beginning to be Steve’s least favorite sound.

“Alright buddy, I’m about to open the curtain so if you’ve got something you don’t want me to see, now would be the time to cover it.”

Of course no response, so Steve slowly pulled open the shower curtain slightly.

Relief flowed through him again as he saw that his partner was in there, and not bleeding or dead. But that damn concern was back quickly, as he took in Danny’s hunched form shivering slightly as he sat curled into himself on the shower floor.

“You alright, Danno?” He asked softly, reaching out to place a gentle hand on Danny’s shoulder. Beyond a slight twitch, there was no sign that Danny even felt his touch. After a moment of thought, Steve made a decision. Sitting on the toilet, he quickly pulled off his boots and socks, and emptied his pockets onto the counter.

“I’m coming in there, buddy.” He warned before stepping into the shower in front of Danny. As the cool water quickly soaked him, he wasn’t surprised Danny was shivering.

Steve placed a hand on Danny’s shoulder and began rubbing gentle circles into the back of his neck with his thumb.

“Danny, I need you to talk to me buddy. What’s going on?” No response, no movement, nothing. Ducking his head and forcing Danny’s head up with his hand, Steve looked into his eyes, and they looked… empty. Blank, like Danny’s mind hadn’t even recognized that there was someone there with it.

Standing, Steve reached for the shower knobs. “I’m gonna get you out of here, and into some warm, dry clothes okay?”

Steve startled as Danny made a wild noise and quickly slid back until his back slammed into the wall.

“Easy buddy, easy. We can stay here a little longer, okay? I just need you to tell me what’s going on.”

Danny shook his head slightly. Steve was relieved he was finally getting any form of response from his partner, but his eyes were still unfocused and blank as he kneeled in front of him.

“Okay, how about this: you don’t have to talk, just nod or shake your head. Can you do that?” Danny looked up and nodded slightly.  
\--

 _Steve was pretty_, Danny thought as the whirlwind of thoughts in his head slammed to a stop. His eyes were so big and such a deep, complex mix of blue and hazel, and Danny always loved those eyes. Steve’s eyes were always so expressive, even when the rest of him wasn’t. Even now, he noticed the emotion in his eyes, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. He was going to give it more thought, but then he was distracted by the water pouring around Steve’s head. Danny tried to follow one drop down Steve’s face, but he got distracted again when he noticed his lips were moving. Why were his lips moving? Oh, Steve was _talking_. Danny tried to listen, but it was so hard to focus. The thoughts were beginning to fly around his head again, and he couldn’t focus on anything but the crushing feeling in his chest, and the manic hurricane going on in his head. Danny squeezed his eyes shut.

“Danny, hey buddy, I need you to open your eyes and look at me.” Danny had seemed calm for a moment, but then his breathing suddenly picked up and he squeezed his eyes shut. It was taking all of Steve’s self-control to not show Danny just how panicked he felt himself as he placed his hand back on Danny’s shoulder.

Danny started slightly as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

_Steve was here. Was Steve here to save him?_

Steve was talking to him. But what was he saying? Danny focused and opened his eyes. Steve seemed relieved when he did that.

“Good, thank you. Now, are you hurt?”

 _Hurt? Did Steve ask if he was hurt? Why would he be hurt?_ Danny shook his head.

“Okay, good. Can you stand up?”

Danny thought hard. Could he stand? How long had he been in the shower? He felt like he was shaking. Danny tried to pull his legs under him.  
Steve rose with him as he slowly stood, and caught him as his legs buckled.

“Woah, easy buddy, easy.”

Danny was standing. Then he was falling. Why was he falling? Why were his legs shaking so bad?

Steve reached behind himself and turned the water off before gentling maneuvering so he could ease Danny out of the shower. It was a little complicated, and was mostly Steve carrying him, but soon Danny was seated on the toilet, and Steve was grabbing a towel.

The cold bathroom air began pulling Danny back into himself.

 _Steve was there_. He wasn’t entirely sure _why_ , but Steve was there, and he had gotten in the shower with his clothes on, and pulled Danny out. Shame poured through Danny as Steve wrapped a towel around him. Steve was standing there in soaked clothes, wrapping Danny in a towel as he sat on the toilet as if he was three years old.

_What was wrong with him?_

“Steve, ‘m sorry.” He mumbled, ducking his head.

Steve crouched in front of him. “What are you sorry about?” He asked softly.

Shame and guilt just continued to fill Danny. “I made you crawl in the shower with all your clothes on and come pull me out. I don’t know _why_ though. I don’t know why you’re here.”

“Danny, you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t make me do anything.”

Danny was fighting back tears. He was just so _frustrated and embarrassed_ and he didn’t hate anything in the world more than he hated himself in that moment.

“Oh, Danny. It’s okay buddy. It’s okay.” Steve pulled Danny into a hug as he tried not to cry himself. Danny was his partner, and it killed him to see him suffering.  
All of Danny’s self-control crumbled once Steve pulled him into a hug, and everything he had been so carefully hiding broke through. Danny shook and sobbed and clung to Steve, who just held him and rubbed those little circles into Danny’s neck.

“Steve, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just get so scared sometimes and it feels like the world is crushing my chest, or like I’m fucking drowning, and every fucking time I see a tall building or a bridge I just think about what jumping off it feels like, and Steve _I don’t want to die_. I don’t wanna die Steve but I just get so scared and nothing makes sense and everything goes too fast and I can’t focus! And I just beg that someone will come save me, but that’s so stupid because that’s _not how the world works_ and I’m a grown-ass man who is a cop and takes down some of the world’s worst people for a living!”

“Everything is going to be okay, Danny. You hear me? We’re gonna get through this together. I will never leave you, no matter how badly you wish I would sometimes. It’s you and me until the end. I will always fight beside you, no matter what.”  
\--

Steve was beginning to wonder if his legs were numb when Danny finally quit crying and sat back.

“Steve, you look like you’re freezing, let me go grab you some dry clothes.” He said as he wiped his eyes and moved to stand up. He still couldn’t believe everything that just happened, and he really did not want to think about it.

“Danny, I got it. I’m sure I’ve left clothes here. I’ll grab you some clothes too.”

Steve returned a minute later dressed in dry clothes with clothes in hand for Danny. Danny couldn’t stop the small smile on his face when he noticed that Steve had brought him one of his old Navy hoodies that he knew he loved. Steve left so he could get dressed in peace, and Danny felt the warmth in his chest when he emerged wearing shorts and Steve’s hoodie and heard the dryer running and saw Steve reheating the Chinese he had brought.

“I brought Chinese and beer, but I think we should probably stick to soda tonight. I was thinking we head to the couch, and watch one of those cheesy movies you love. Whatcha think?”

In that moment, it was as if the stars aligned. Danny felt the realization as if he had been struck by lightning. Steve froze as he saw Danny just silently standing there and staring.

“Danny, are you oka-“

“You. It’s you.”

“What are you talking abou-“

A bright smile took over Danny’s face. “You! Steve, I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner!”

“Danny seriously, are you okay? What are you talking about?”

“ _You_ saved me. You saved me the day we met. I can’t believe how long its taken me to realize this!”

Now it was Steve’s turn to be at a loss for words.

“Danny, I-“

“Shut up, you goof.” Danny walked up to Steve, pushing into his space until he had his back pressed against the counter.

“Danny, I don’t know what you are-“ Steve was nervous, and usually Steve nervous meant that death was imminent, but Danny felt like he was on a power trip.

“Steven, will you just shut up and kiss me?” Steve stared at him for a moment before grinning himself and pulling Danny into a kiss.  
Danny pulled back, and Steve was the dazed one.

“Danny, I meant what I said. Whatever we go through, we go through together, whether as whatever this is about to be, or as friends.”

“I know. Just like I know that that was the best kiss I’ve ever had in my life, and that I love you. That I’m in love with you.”

Steve just stared into Danny’s eyes until the microwave beeped and startled him out of his reverie. Suddenly, he felt himself giggling, and soon Danny joined him and they laughed until they were crying.

“Okay, Steve I’m fuckin’ hungry, can we finally eat this and watch a movie now?” Danny asked, wiping his eyes.  
They grabbed their food and made their way to the living room.

“You know what, Steve? I think we should watch this super cheesy rom-com that I just _know_ you’re gonna love.”

Steve groaned.

“Hey, Danny?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Bathtub by The Front Bottoms (a great song that really fits this fic!)
> 
> Thank you for reading, and don't forget to let me know what you think and if you want more anxious Danny!!


End file.
